To remember yourself, you must first forget yourself

I lost myself so I could find myself again, and again and again

I realize now that I can’t really lose myself, because the true me always remains underneath.

And there’s absolutely nowhere it can go. Even when I die.

I never used to believe this. But connecting to the unconditional in meditation every morning has done wonders for realizing that everything I ever want is always within.

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The word should be forget.

I think this is really a journey of forgetting, then remembering, then forgetting again, and so on. You’re constantly jumping in and out of presence. In the mind, or in the present moment.

I remember a time when I wanted to be in presence 100% of the time.

But I truly now believe that jumping between both IS the experience. The good and the bad, the thoughts and the feelings, the duality of this earth and why everything has an opposite.

I used to be resistant to that process, of jumping in and out of the mind.

And now that I think of it, that’s the biggest thing 6 years of meditation has taught me.

Watching the thoughts, versus being in the thoughts.

In the beginning you almost judge it for being that way. You just want the good thoughts, the most enjoyable inner experience.

But sitting with the emotions the body wants to feel.. (even the ones you resist and label as “bad”) allows them to be felt and processed naturally.

Because when you accept and allow the emotion you once avoided, your body is not going to be in fight or flight mode with that emotion.

Acceptance does not equal fight or flight.

So the key then is to regulate during the emotion or the trigger you’ve been resisting.

You need to bring your nervous system out of fight or flight and into rest and digest with your breathing. Breathing is what controls your state.

Then when you allow that feeling, while regulated, your body feels safe enough to let go.

A transmutation of energy.

This is the thing I ended up building a whole app around, catching yourself mid-reach and coming back into the body before the loop takes.

This was also something I thought had an end to it. That once I’d finally be “healed,” it would be done.

But the truth is, the awareness of it and the process of allowing it has just gotten quicker.

I don’t think it ever stops. Because again, maybe that’s the whole point.

I think the act of losing oneself really is just letting the thoughts and unprocessed emotions overtake the experience, and your attention, for a number of days or weeks or months or years.

So much so that you start to believe these thought loops ARE you.

Of course one would feel lost, believing even for a moment that they are their thoughts.

I do start to feel this way on the days I haven’t meditated.

& that’s why meditation is so important, because it connects me to oneness. So I can remember who I truly am.

At least for the day :)

Until I forget again.